Q&A with Rosie Marquez

Q: How did you [first] get involved with Renew?

Rosie: My fiance lives in Gardena and I live in L.A., so we were looking for a middle point. And I just went online and I found it when we were in Culver City. I went with my oldest daughter and she loved it. So because she liked it, I was like, "OK, well, we're going to try it out."

Q: Had you grown up like going to church or following Jesus? Or is that something that happened later in life?

Rosie: I grew up going to church. I had a really interesting relationship with religion because I was baptized in the Lutheran Church, but we were Catholic. We went to church like every Sunday. But for my parents, it was like if you go to church, you get to go to Toys R Us. So it was like, let's get through this so we can get our prize. I also wanted to be a Jehovah's Witness for whatever reason. When I was little, they showed up at my house and I was like, "yeah, I want to do that." And then when I was in middle school, my cousin was like a Mormon, so I was like, "oh, I want to hear about that too." I remember especially as a little kid, like never wanting to go and my mom incentivizing me to do different things.

Q: Obviously community is super important, especially since the last two years have been super weird. So what has been the biggest value of being able to be part of something like Renew? And how has that contributed to your faith?

Rosie: The biggest takeaway for me from my home group that I've been in currently is definitely accountability because some of the people in my home, I know outside of the church as well, so I see them outside of church and outside of one group. And it's like, you can't live that double life, right? I mean you can. But it's a little bit more difficult when you work alongside these people or you're mentoring these individuals.

You can't show up a certain way Monday through Friday and then Sunday, you're like this different person. So that's really helpful for me. And then just also being able to talk through things that I thought were unique to myself and just realizing that almost everyone in the whole group has the same situations and circumstances. We just deal with them differently.

Q: You mentioned accountability. I think it's really cool to be able to check in with different people and then also, in turn, help them. Like Pastor Dihan has been saying, love is the truest measure of reflecting Jesus. So that's really cool. If you don't mind sharing, you mentioned that you had some trauma in the past. Is that something that the whole group has helped you heal from or process?

Rosie: I don't really talk about it in general because I went through the inner healing group and that was really helpful for me. And it's very…I don't want to say private. I'm just conflicted because I have a son who I don't want to grow up with that burden that people of color feel.

We already feel like we have everything against us, and I don't want him to feel like because his dad did something that defines him. Because, you know, culturally, people always like, lean on that wall. " I'm just like my dad, I'm just like my mom," and stuff like that, so I don't really touch upon it so much. I've always kind of tried to deal with it on my own. It got really unhealthy to the point where that's how I ended up in the first group because I was just out with friends and someone said something that triggered me and I literally was sobbing like a baby. And I was like, "I don't understand where this is coming from," and it was because I hadn't dealt with it.

Q: Yeah absolutely. Sometimes that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Like when somebody says something [that triggers you] it can just all come exploding out at once. Just for context, tell me a bit about your journey to Renew?

Rosie: Like I mentioned before, like several churches, I was really deep into one church before I came to Renew, and I also had a very traumatic experience there with the leadership and things like that. I actually was like an assistant for the pastor.

Things just began to unravel, and I feel like sometimes we put people on this pedestal because they're pastors or preachers or whatever they may be, but it's hard for us to separate who they are in the church and who they are as a human.

And there was just too much going on for me, where it was hard for me to even hear the word because I'm like, "you are such a hypocrite."

So I would be sitting in a church and I couldn't get anything because my heart was tired and I was very judgmental and very petty about the whole thing. I just felt like I couldn't give leadership the grace I should have given them because I was so consumed and all this stuff that they did that I didn't agree with.

So it was like, we need to find another church. My fiance said that he was living near the church and had moved away. So I was like "this is perfect timing because at my old church I was just sitting there as a body filling the seat. I had the worst thoughts going through my brain.

So I came to Renew and I really loved it. I mentioned that I brought my mother. I also brought my daughter, who is part of the LGBTQ community. And she also struggled with her relationship with the Lord because a lot of places are very much like "you're going to hell or you can't sit with this."

It was really important for me because I felt like my relationship with the Lord, even though it's been rocky and I was kind of upset and letting my emotions get in the way, I felt like it was solidified enough to where my priority was my daughter.

I want her to be comfortable, and I want her to be able to experience the relationship that I have with the Lord. You know, I don't ever want her to see herself a certain way or in a negative way because of what people around her see.

And you know, we went to Renew and, you know, Pastor Dihan gave an amazing sermon. And it's just incredible for me because instantly I was like, "this is the place for my daughter to see this. This is our place. It was so diverse, so like progressive and just like, relatable. You know, he's always talking about Chick-Fil-A and wanting to lose weight. And I'm like "yes!"

Q: You mentioned a little bit before that as a person of color, you experienced certain things growing up around you, or maybe even in church. And I feel like Renew's commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion is a really amazing part about the church. What do you feel makes it such such a special community where people want to stay and be planted there?

Rosie: It's so relatable and Pastor Dihan is so intentional about who he brings in as a speaker, or what the purpose is as opposed to just having people come in for the sake of taking a break. I think because I'm so used to judgmental churches where I would leave church feeling less-than. I wouldn't leave church feeling happier and closer to the Lord. I would leave the church feeling like I was the worst person.

But I really like how Pastor Dihan delivers the message. He gives so much detail and he just makes it so clear. Like he literally gives a vivid picture and description of what was happening and what was going on at the time. And he even compares it to things that are happening now to bring it all together so you get it.

There's really no judgment like, he says some topics that are touchy topics like sexuality and, you know, money and things like that. But he always does it in such a way where I feel like even though I don't agree with some of the stuff, I appreciate it because I respect him. He respects us. So it's easier. It's an easier conversation.

It's easier to digest because it's coming from a place of love and not from a place of like "you're going to hell if you don't agree with this."

He's really personable. A lot of the stuff that he says is what I feel. For instance, I had the biggest road race getting to church, but when I get here I'll praise the Lord. And so when he shares his stories of where he falls short or where he's just human, it's just funny and it lightens the mood, and it makes it easier for me to accept the word.

Q: Outside of church you have the home group. What has been the most powerful moment that you've experienced within the home group?

Rosie: Let me start off with this: I'm not the most vulnerable person. Like when Renew asked me to do this, I was kind of hesitant and then I thought it was like a ten minute little video maybe. And then when I got your email, I was already sweating.

In the home group, one of the first sessions hit home for me because I'm struggling with a relationship my father is in. I don't really talk about it too much, because I always feel like when I have that conversation, it's never a positive one. I'm stopping myself because I don't want to move past it. I'm in this negative space with my dad's wife. In my home group we were talking, we were doing a series and talking about relationships and family dynamics and things like that.

So I was like, "you know what, if I'm going to be in this group, I'm just going to be honest and transparent.

And I explained to them where I was coming from, and I knew that it was wrong, but that I wasn't ready to move past it. I was comfortable holding on to that grudge. And it was a turning point for me because when I heard myself, I was like "you sound so ridiculous, you know?"

But it's something that, like I was holding onto for dear life. Like, I'm never going to like this lady. It's always going to be a problem. And like a lot of the anger that I had was towards my dad, but [in my mind], my dad can do no wrong, so she was getting all of it.

It was interesting to hear everybody start to share their stories and talk about their dynamic. And like I said earlier, my story wasn't uncommon. It's just a moment that I'll never forget because literally everyone was vulnerable.

We shared things that we probably would never say in front of anyone. Everyone's guards were down and it just made me feel so comfortable and so accepted.

Because I always felt like "maybe it's just me, and maybe I just have a really bad attitude. Maybe I'm just going crazy."

It was just one of those moments where I realized we all have our stuff. We all have our issues. It was just impactful to me to see all of these strangers because the church is big. You see people, but you don't know them.

All these people blessed me and prayed for me and opened up about their stuff so that we could relate to each other. That was incredible for me.

I also love the fact that no one tries to fix you. Like, everyone says their piece and we listen and we might compare and share stories. But no one ever is like: "this what you have to do." I love that because I think as humans, we can't help it. We always feel like we have the best advice for someone else that's in the same situation. And it's just like, "why would we think it would work for them if we can even get to that point?" I love that they are respectful enough to let us just vent essentially and share stories. And no one is trying to fix anyone. We just literally hear each other out and then pray for each other.

Q: You had mentioned your dad and like part of your new mission I know is about reaching people. How do you feel like it's affecting you when it comes to relationships and like going forward how you approach those?

Rosie: I think it's definitely served as a buffer for me where I can talk about what I'm feeling and what I'm struggling with. Before I actually approach the person or the problem or the issue, I can bring it to my home group. You can talk about it. We can pray about it, as opposed to me not having anything in between Sunday service to get me through the week and then dealing with these things on my own. It's definitely given me the space and the opportunity to kind of like pause and just sit in what I want to say or what I'm struggling with. As opposed to being a little compulsive and dealing with it and because I don't have anyone to talk to. I do have my friends but the majority of my friends are not Christians, so their advice, even though it's coming from a good place, might not be the healthiest place.

So it's good to have a group of friends who actually are like-minded and are coming from the phase of scripture as opposed to "what will make me feel better right now?"

It's definitely been really helpful for me because again, before I was just going to church on Sunday. Sunday sometimes can only get you through Sunday, depending on how chaotic your life is or your relationships are at the moment.

And what I really like about my whole group is that we reflect on what Pastor Dihan talks about on Sunday. I get to hear different perspectives. I get to hear different examples like what their takeaways were. It's helped me to view relationships in a different, more spiritual way, in a more accountable way.

Q: To wrap up, what do you feel like the Lord has been teaching you or showing you in this season?

Rosie: The biggest thing for me right now, and I'm being convicted all the time about it, would be to pause because I am very impulsive and emotional. And I think growing up, that was like a good thing. Like, my family was very chaotic and very much like on attack mode all the time. So I was always one step ahead of everyone. Very sarcastic, very witty. Very much like "I'm going to shut this down right now."

I just need to learn that that's not the way to navigate situations. It's okay for me to sit in a situation and not have to say anything and just say "you know what? I hear you, but let me take some time to process this and then we'll talk about it again." As opposed to feeling like I have to say something. Or like someone's walking all over me or I just don't know how to react.

Pausing [has been important]. It was on my heart to talk about judgments and how it affects the other person. Pastor Dihan something that just really hit home for me, and it's like, where is it coming from?

If I'm being critical of you, I really realize that it's because I'm triggered. You did something to trigger my trauma or my insecurities or my ego.

Most of the time, it's my ego. I feel that with my kids or my staff or anyone that does something that I feel is out of my control.

And for it to go my way, then that just triggers my ego and now I have to criticize you and put you back in your place. I had to really recognize that moving forward: I can't use judgment as a self defense mechanism when I feel triggered. Or [have the posture] of "I can overcome this, why can't you? Why is it taking so long?" You know, just really remembering how long it took me and all the grace that I wish I had getting to this point and extending that to the next person.

Q: What do you attribute that defensive mechanism to? Or why did you feel the need, growing up, to respond quickly or be defensive?

I think because there was so much chaos and like the environment was very toxic, my parents were very verbally abusive to each other. It was just always like screaming and things like that. I just felt like I always had to be ready. And I would see how my mom would feel when my dad would say something to her or be little her like I never wanted to be on the other end of that. So I got really good at being ready to put someone in their place. The conversation was over.

As a teenager and even as an adult, I felt like people were always praising me for being so funny and so sarcastic and so witty. But really, it was just me being very mean, and I had to really recognize that. And that's not how I want to be or who I want to be. If my kids are seeing this, I don't want them to think that that's the norm. Like, you don't have to be mean for your friends to think you're funny, you don't have to be sarcastic or rude so that people think "let's not mess with her." You know, there is a way to toss things out, and I just never learned that.